A Beautiful Mind
I first time I saw “A Beautiful Mind” was in the theatre. I was 22 at the time and saw it with my first boss, John Stringer, Pastor of Reston Presbyterian Church. When movie was over, both of us went into the bathroom, saw how deeply each other were moved and we were speechless at its application to our own lives.
In the movie, John Nash, is a brilliant mathematician, but he has two major problems: he’s arrogant (wants to be seen), and he suffers from schizophrenia. Three of the major characters in the film, as you watch it, aren’t real at all.
The three fake characters in “A Beautiful Mind”, each give John Nash a sense of purpose, friendship and comfort.
The movie is about John’s sickness, his inability to see his sickness, his log journey to see his need for help, hitting rock bottom and the final long journey to recovery.
When I watched this movie, instantly it became a metaphor for facing my own Unwanted Sexual Behavior.
16 years later the very man, John Stringer, who saw this movie and wept with me, would be the same person to council me and help lead me to lasting freedom helping me shape Climb29.
““[I need to] find a truly original idea. It is the only way I will ever distinguish myself. It is the only way I will ever… matter.”
- John Nash”
Our Broken Beginnings
John Nash starts off the movie full himself: he can’t go to classes with “mere mortals” and he needs to matter and he can only do this by finding an original idea. He is defining himself about what he can achieve. His identity is found in his work. What we know watching the movie is that during this time he creates false intimacy for himself: An imaginary best friend, an imaginary little girl and an imaginary boss.
Questions to think about:
How do you think you were when you look back before you started Climb29?
You have most likely tried to stop going inner circle before, how would you describe your own heart attitude?
What words would you use to describe John Nash at this stage of his life?
What role does his “best friend” play in his life?
We All Want To Be Seen
John is so obsessed with an “Original Idea” that he is loosing a grip of reality. In this scene he watches as a professor receives pens which represent “the achievement of a lifetime.” John sees recognition.
John wants to be seen.
Questions to think about:
What were you looking for when you went inner circle?
What was your desire?
Do you feel seen?
Our Problems, Not Addressed, Grow and Start to Effect Our Lives
John Nash’s problem grows worse over time. The imaginary people he was seeing start to take over his life and his mind. For a long time, those imaginary people helped him to survive, but as time goes on, life becomes more difficult because of them.
Questions to think about:
How has inner circle made your life more difficult?
How have you seen life start to unravel?
Why do you think change is something that you resisted for so long?
Do you still resist change? If so, where? Why?
We Try Hard to Change On Our Own
John isn’t entirely convinced he needs to change, he’s been pushed into change by people who love him. He’s now seen as a mental person and the meds that he’s is now being forced to take are changing how he thinks. He used to love math and problems. He used to see a “glow” around math problems and now he can’t concentrate anymore. Facing his friends is painful. Facing his wife is painful. He is embarrassed.
Questions to think about:
Have you been pushed into change before you are ready?
How have you felt when you have tried to face your issues?
How have other people seen you?
How has this left you feeling about yourself?
We All Fight Change
Change is hard for John. He hates every minute of it. He’s lost his mind, his friends, his job, his wife, his ability to be a father… he hates what following “the right thing” has done to him.
He stops taking his meds.
He starts to see math problems again all around him… his comforts and old friends restore.
When he goes into the shed, his fantasies tell him what he’s been dying to hear: You are needed, you aren’t crazy, you have purpose now.
Questions to think about:
Have you felt this when trying to change?
Have you hid from your LifeLines and other people you love? Why?
What are you holding onto? Why? What is it giving you?
What are the pros and cons of change?
Hitting Rock Bottom
We don’t start to change until we see our need, until we see our own brokenness, on our own. We need to hit rock bottom.
For John, he almost killed his baby and hurt his wife by throwing her against the wall. When she runs away to leave him for good, he has a break through: he sees his own problem. The little girl doesn’t’ get older. For the first time he can see that he is broken.
He is broken and for the first time, wants help.
Questions to think about:
Have you hit bottom?
Have you seen what your brokenness has done to you and others?
How did this feel?
Grace at the Bottom
Here is where John Nash starts the J-Curve. He is ready, and afraid, of going down. In his hand he holds onto his handkerchief his wife gave him. He’s broken. He’s afraid.
He has surrendered himself to going back into the hospital. He is waiting up in his bedroom for the Dr to come and take him away. He’s afraid.
While he’s waiting the most beautiful sound in cinema is heard: In the distance we hear the sound of a car starting and driving away. A car that the Dr is driving. A car he should be in. But he’s not. It’s the sound of grace.
Then, in an unbelievable act of love, his wife comes to him. She shows him what love looks like. She chooses him and she chooses to help him.
His wife is like Jesus to us: when we finally see our sin, Jesus is there. It’s his voice that is saying “I love you” “I made you” “I’m what is real” “Trust Me”.
Because of this great love, John Nash can enter his suffering J-Curve: Facing his illusions.
This scene is the turning point in the movie: John Nash sees that he has a problem and is surrendered to love to help him change.
Questions to think about:
Have you seen Jesus at the bottom?
What did he say to you?
What does he say about you?
How does that help you?
The Start of the J-Curve
This scene is John Nash’s first step down the J-Curve, it’s a step that he owns.
Look at this scene carefully, what steps do you see him taking down? How is this John Nash different than the one at the begging of the movie?
Think of the steps down:
He humbles himself to ask for help
He goes alone to ask for help, this is something he needs to face
He’s doing it on the same campus that he used to see himself above everyone else
He used to be too proud to even go to class, now he’s asking just to be in the library
He has to face one of his old friends, one he was in competition with for an original idea. He needs to humble himself before this friend for permission.
Questions to think about:
What J-Curves have you had to face?
What were your steps down you have taken?
What steps do you see John Nash taking down?
Did John to this willingly? How do you think he felt?
How do his fantasies (evil) respond to him doing this?
What is the outcome of his first J-Curve?
Change is Hard
When John Nash is in the library his fantasies become relentless on him. When we begin the hard work of change, that is when evil starts to scream the loudest. John is fighting his fantasies (evil) has hard has he can. They are also fighting as hard as they can.
Questions to think about:
Have you felt evil’s power increase as you have been trying to stop?
What has evil said to you?
What is evil saying to John Nash in this clip? Do you relate?
What was John Nash’s trigger?
How do you think John Nash is feeling at this time?
How are you feeling when this happens?
What are some of your triggers?
What does this tell you about how hard it will be to change when we have given evil so much space and time in our hearts?
How is this scene more steps down in the J-Curve? How many steps do you see?
Prayer and Confession When It’s Hard
The very next scene is one of my favorites in the movie. I call this scene “the prayer scene.” Remember, John Nash is able to do this amazing change because of his wife’s unconditional love. It’s her who he runs back to after the awful incident outside of the library.
I love this scene because of it’s honesty. When I struggle to pray, this is what I picture: Jesus sitting across from me, listening. I get to tell him about my awful day. About how much I miss the pleasure of evil in the midst of my pain. That it’s been really hard. That I can’t sleep without inner circle and that my dreams when I do sleep are sometimes so full of evil I wonder if I made a mistake or not. The pain of change is hard. So hard I wonder if I can make it.
And Jesus holds my hand and let’s me talk.
He reminds me that He loves me and that He is with me every step of the way. He reminds me that He is the Way, the Truth and the Life and that no one can truly change apart from Him.
He tells me, I love you John, now try again tomorrow.
So I take not one massive step forward, but another small step. A scared step. A nervous step. But a step.
And that is what all of heaven applauds for.
Questions to think about:
How do you see this scene as a prayer?
Do you feel comfortable going to Jesus like this?
How does Jesus respond when you are honest like this about what you miss about inner circle?
How does Jesus respond when you ask for help?
Does change come with lots of little steps or large steps?
How is this scene more steps down in the J-Curve? How many steps do you see?
Saying a Final “Good-Bye” to Our Addiction
This is a key moment for every man on the Climb29 journey: When are you going to say a final good-bye to inner circle?
In this scene John Nash is about to audit a class. He used to be so arrogant he thought even being in a class was below him. Now, in the J-Curve, he takes another step down and chooses to submit himself to learning from another.
Before he goes in the class, his fantasies are walking with him. He stops. He turns to each of them and speaks directly: I’m going to miss you. You made me feel seen. You made me feel wanted. You made my pain less. But none of you are real. None of that really helped me. It hurt me. And I need to say good-bye. This is the hardest thing I’ve done in my life saying good-bye. But I have to. I won’t be talking to you anymore. Good-bye.
And from this point in the movie, no matter how hard it gets, he stops talking back to them. He ignores them, even though it’s painful.
This is a massive step on the J-Curve and the second turning point in his long term change.
Questions to think about:
If you were to say a final good-bye to evil, what would you miss?
What are each of John’s fantasies giving him? What does each offer him?
The little girl offers him what?
His best friend offers him what?
His Covert boss offers him what?
Are any of those things real?
Have you said your final good-bye?
If so, what was the hardest thing about it? What is your story?
If not, what is stopping you from saying your final good-bye?
How is this more steps down the J-Curve? How many more steps down is this for John Nash? How many more steps down will this be for you?
Evil Keeps on Trying
Evil is the loudest when we are doing our best to fight it. The little girl ramps up John Nash wanting to love someone. She holds her arms out for love and wants him to read a book. His best friend is furious he’s not speaking to him anymore. He refuses to give up on their years long friendship. And his old boss continues to tell him how important he is and how much he’s needed for new top secret missions.
Questions to think about:
What are other people around him doing? How are they stopping him from change?
What is evil doing to you when you are truly saying no?
What is evil whispering to you?
What is it yelling at you?
What is if offering you?
Is any of this true?
How is this more steps down the J-Curve? How many more steps down is this for John Nash? How many more steps down will this be for you?
The Start of the Resurrection
When evil is doing its worst and you are following Jesus, barely holding on something radical happens at the most unexpected moment: a resurrection. Hope is born.
Here, in the Library, where he was once afraid to walk in, a student comes up to him. This student honors him. This student has studied John’s work. This student looks up to John, not because John demanded it, but because of who John is.
John, for the first time in the movie, is himself, but reborn. This scene is where HOPE is born.
Questions to think about:
How do you see the resurrection in this scene?
Things couldn’t have been more humbling or gone worse for John right up to this point. What is it that makes this scene so beautiful?
How is this more steps UP the J-Curve? How many steps UP is this for John Nash?
How does this scene give you hope?
How does his wife see this change? How do you think Jesus and all of heaven sees you when this happens?
A Deeper Wisdom and Beauty is Born
On the other side of change isn’t just freedom: it’s a REBIRTH. We started this journey wanting to let go of something, but as we get closer to the resurrection in the J-Curve, we see that God has so much more planned for us. We could have only gotten here by facing evil and walking away by going through a J-Curve.
Questions to think about:
How has John Nash changed?
How is this change more than just healing from his fantasies? What else is healing in John?
How is this more steps UP the J-Curve? How many steps UP is this for John Nash?
How does this scene give you hope?
The Resurrection in the J-Curve
Resurrections are so beautiful that sometimes we really don’t have much to say. It’s why we are so emotional watching movies sometimes.
The resurrections in this scene are many.
He started this journey wanting to be seen, to have an original thought and to be better than everyone else.
Instead, he lost his mind, became unseen, couldn’t think anymore and was mocked by everyone.
He went through a J-Curve, with the love of his wife behind him, he stepped out and entered the J-Curve.
Now, he is seen. He is given honor. Pens. Respect. And amazingly… the Nobel Prize.
Questions to think about:
Please allow yourself to think through these questions slowly and enjoy them…
How many steps UP does John Nash take here? How much higher is he than when he started in the movie?
God is going to do a resurrection in your life, if you follow Jesus into the J-Curve. We spend so much time full of fear about the down, that we don’t dream about the top… what is your dream of what the top might look like?
What resurrections are you excited to experience?
Love is All We Have Left
In the final scene, John Nash gives us the keys to his lasting change, the secret formula is revealed: the unconditional love of his wife.
In real life, the real John Nash was schizophrenic. Many of the details of this movie are true to life. One of them that isn’t true is that in real life his wife divorced him when he was really loosing his mind. When he began to change, they got back together and remarried.
But the movie doesn’t tell us that part of the story because we are all looking for unconditional love.
This love is the love of Jesus.
He is the one who loves us. Who loves us full of Grace and Truth. Because of His love, we WANT to change. Because of His love, we can’t help but change as we walk next to him.
And it’s why, that when every man gets to the top of Climb29, each of us turns to Jesus and says, “It’s because of you that I’m here.”
Questions to think about:
Instead of questions, take some time and be quiet. Be with Jesus. Let him come to you, remind you of his love for you and as a result stand up and face evil with courage.