The love J-Curve
Growing a Garden starts with this tool: the Love J-Curve
21,000 ft
“This is my command: Love one another the way I loved you. This is the very best way to love. Put your life on the line for your friends.”
John 15: 12-13
The Love J-Curve: where we Start to Garden
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Let’s pause for a moment and see how far we have climbed already. Here are the things you are now able to do to, or you are starting to do:
You have gone long periods of time without going Inner Circle
You have learned to face evil, ask questions and invite Jesus and other climbers into your private thoughts
You have faced Cave Sex
You have learned about your story and how it effects you today
You have faced your story and learned about your Distorted Identity
Jesus has started to free you from going Inner Circle!
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DescriptionWe are just about to enter the final stages of this climb: learning about Garden Sex and Garden Living. Cave Sex is what we have walked away from. Garden Sex is us learning about God’s intension for Sex. Garden Living is us learning to grow as Godly men, who lead and cultivate Garden’s in our Lives, families, friendships and community.
But before we learn about the Garden, we are going to learn how to use the most important gardening tool: The Love J-Curve. This tool, God will use to make you more like Jesus, draw you closer to Him and start to change the world around you.
We will learn about love through Jesus and learn about the Love J-Curve
We will apply the love J-Curve to real things in our lives
We will see what Jesus does to change us
We will see Jesus text goes here
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This elevation of the Climb is 8 units long, about 2 months if meeting every week.
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When you and your Sherpa agree that everyone understands the Love J-Curve, has a full understanding of it and how to start using it with those we love.
I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.
Philippians 3: 10-11
The Love J-Curve
Learning how to Grow Your Resurrection Garden
4.1
Read these verses from Galatians, imagine it was 2 years ago, and quietly reflect on these questions:
How would you have felt reading these verses?
How would you Feel if your church was going to preach on this?
What parts made you comfortable or uncomfortable?
Is there a fruit of the Spirit that brought more shame or stuck out?
Galatians 5: 19 - 23
The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
As a Group, share your answers openly with each other. In reflecting on these verses from Galatians, imagining it was 2 years ago, and answer these questions:
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Shame.
Feeling like I can’t change.
That the standards in the Bible are too high.
How can the Holy Spirit really change me?
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Guilty.
I would be uncomfortable.
I belong in the first paragraph no the second one. And that really scares me.
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Description text goes here
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Self Control
The first thing that changed in you since we started meeting
The First LifeLine
Think back to the addictive cycle, when we first started sending LifeLines each time after you went Inner Circle. When you first started sending LifeLines here, it was hard and awkward. After a while, it became much easier and we all grew from it.
Q: What did you learn about yourself?
Q: What did you learn about God?
We used to live on the shame an honor path
We were living in the Shame and Honor path: We ran from shame and wanted to find honor.
Honor: We wanted to hold on to our “honor” and struggled joining a group like this. We didn’t want to be seen in our shame.
Shame: We wanted to hide our shame and not talk about it, let alone join a group focusing on it.
By joining Climb29 and confessing Inner Circle, we left the shame and honor path and entered the Repentance J-Curve.
We Lived the Repentance J-Curve Together
We allowed each other, before Jesus, to see our sin and find forgiveness in the Cross. The problem was in us. This is what the Repentance J-Curve changed in us.
This is where you were.
You were at the bottom of Inner Circle, without hope of lasting change, trapped by Evil’s lies about you and your circumstances.
Here is where you saw that Jesus was always next to you, even during and after Inner Circle, always loving you. You saw that Jesus never leaves your side, He sees you, forgives you and isn’t ashamed of you. You learned that Jesus wants you to stand up, get out of the pit, live differently and face evil. You learned that change can happen and it’s worth it.
Let’s remember Sending The Second LifeLine
Think back again to the addictive cycle, when we first started sending LifeLines during Preoccupation to STOP going into Ritual. When you first started sending LifeLines here, it was really hard, almost impossible. After a while, it became much easier and we all grew from it.
Q: What did you learn about yourself?
Q: What did you learn about God?
We used to live on the Pain and Pleasure path
We were living on the Pain and Pleasure path: We ran from pain and wanted to find pleasure.
Pleasure: Life is full of pain, and instead of facing it, we ran into Inner Circle to make ourselves feel good.
Pain: Instead of naming the pain in our lives and facing it, all we knew was to run from it into pleasure.
By joining Climb29 and confessing in preoccupations, we left the pain and pleasure path and entered the suffering J-Curve.
We Lived the Suffering J-Curve Together
We allowed each other, before Jesus, to see our pain and find healing in the Cross. The problem was after us. Evil had a plan to destroy your story, but Jesus had a plan too. This is what the Suffering J-Curve changed in us.
In outing yourself in Preoccupation and not going Inner Circle, you faced suffering. By saying no to Evil and Yes to Jesus, we all experienced sleepless nights, frustration, anger and many feelings on the Suffering J-Curve.
This is where you were.
We confessed together, by sending Life Lines when we were in preoccupation. This was so hard because it put you at a cross roads: are you going to follow what you want (escape into pleasure) or are you going to follow Jesus (and face your pain, frustrations and loneliness?
Here is where learned that Jesus is next to us, leading us, helping us to climb out of the cave and leave our old ways behind. We went Inner Circle less and less, until finally, we stopped trusting ourselves and trusting Jesus.
Re-read these verses. Quietly consider What changed in you by Living the repentance J-Curve (sending lifeLines after Inner Circle)?
What changed in you by living the Repentance J-Curve?
If you were to put yourself physically in the verses of Galatians 5: 19-23, where would you put yourself when you were going inner circle?
If you were to put yourself in Galatians 5: 19-23, where would you put yourself after repenting from going inner circle?
Galatians 5: 19 - 23
The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
As a Group, share your answers openly with each other.
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Stop hiding is good for me.
Seeing and Believing that Jesus loves me.
Learning to talk about my sin, bringing it into the light
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In the first paragraph
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In between the first and second paragraph. I moved!
The Second thing that changed in you since we started meeting
Re-read these verses. Quietly consider What changed in you now by Living the Suffering J-Curve (sending lifeLines in Preoccupation)?
What changed in you now by living the Suffering J-Curve (outing yourself in preoccupation)?
If you were to put yourself physically in the verses of Galatians 5: 19-23, Right now, where would you put yourself?
Looking at all the Fruit of the Spirit, which fruit was God working on in your life? Which fruit started really showing on your tree?
How do you feel about the fruit of the Spirit now?
Galatians 5: 19 - 23
The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
As a Group, share your answers openly with each other.
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That not going Inner Circle won’t kill me.
That I can stop.
Change is possible.
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In the second paragraph
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Self Control!!!!
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The rest of the them are possible too!
take the time as a group to reflect on God’s change in your heart.
Self Control is possible.
The Fruits of the Spirit are real!
God wants to keep working in your life to make you more like Jesus!
Learning How to Grow A Resurrection Garden
We used to hide in The Cave and try to manage our relationships and marriages from a broken place.
But now, we learn to leave The Cave, Trust Jesus as the Master Gardener, and Learn to grow a Resurrection Garden.
But Gardens, healthy beautiful ones, take time to grow. This whole unit is about learning your core gardening tool, the last and final J-Curve, it’s called The Love J-Curve.
Why do we need this new Tool, “The Love J-Curve?
Our struggle of Self and Others
On this journey we are learning so much about ourselves:
Shame and Honor (why we hesitated to confess after Inner Circle, and the Repentance J-Curve addressed)
Pain and Pleasure (why we hesitated to send a LifeLine in Preoccupation, and the Suffering J-Curve addressed)
And now, Self and Others (why Jesus wants us to rethink Intimacy all over again, and the Love-J-Curve addresses)
Why do we need a core Resurrection Garden Tool?
The problem, outside The Cave, is we want to care for ourselves and our own needs, but life constantly pulls us down into other people needs and demands. Others need our care, our time, our attention. Your wife. Your kids. Your friends. Your Family. Your Church. Your School. Your work. Broken People. Hurting People. Life has a way of pulling us away from what we want to do and into the lives of others.
Examples:
1) I try to make space for healthy outer circle, and carve out a quiet moment for myself. 2) But My daughter forgot to bring her cleats to practice and I have to drive across town.
1) I wanted to be intimate with my wife. 2) But she is too frustrated and preoccupied with the kids and that school is hard for them.
1) I was looking forward to a fun Friday night with friends. 2) But one of my friends is struggling and wants to talk.
Stopping Inner Circle Doesn’t Change Cave Living
Years ago I took my son, Zach, on a father son retreat. On this retreat we continued our life-long conversation on God-Sex. The purpose was to give space to his questions, his changing body, anything that he’s heard or has been curious about and finally, God’s design for sex. Zach was 9 at the time. I told him, “Zach, if your life was a pie, how much of your time is spent on what parts of the pie?” His pie was hilarious. Tons of video game time. Lots of board games. YouTube time. Time with his friends. His pie chart was a mess of what every 9 year olds dream is.
It was an eye opener for me: Each of us on this Climb29 journey has been really transformed and we have stopped going Inner Circle. But does this mean our Outer Circle is healthy?
We can heal, but still be the master of our own lives, still have bad hearts and even though we’ve stopped Inner Circle, maybe that has been replaced with something else that isn’t good for us.
I had healed, but I was still thinking about sex all the time. So much of my “pie” was fighting preoccupation with my climbers.
This means our Outer Circle won’t be healthy. It will be full of the wrong stuff, in the wrong proportions. Too much time away from our family, too much time thinking about our missing needs for intimacy . . . the more I thought of it the more I saw myself in Zach’s pie chart.
Introducing: The Love J-Curve
Jesus wants to stop feeling guilty about the Self / Others Chart and wants us to join Him in the Love J-Curve.
The Main Garden Tool is the J-Curve
Enter the J-Curve.
By knowing Jesus and following Him in a death and resurrection, our lives begin to change. From the inside out. With Jesus as our master, our hearts change. And when our hearts change, the Fruits of the Spirit grow in our lives. And when we grow, our Outer Circle changes. Where we spend our time. What is healthy for us and what isn’t. Instead of fighting for healthy “me time” in the Outer Circle, God begins the amazing work of growing a beautiful garden in our life. A more balanced garden. Where sex is but a sliver. Jesus is leading me in where I spend my time, how I do it and with who.
And one of the main tools to grow this Garden is the J-Curve.
This is where We Are Going.
Homework Question:
What area of your life is Jesus calling you to enter the Love J-Curve?
Re-read these verses. What Will Change in you by Living the Love J-Curve?
Galatians 5: 19 - 23
The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
4.2
The Love J-Curve: Surrendering The Self
Read Philippians 3:7-11
“But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith—that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.”
What is different, almost strange about “share his sufferings” and “becoming like him in his death”?
What questions do these phrases prompt?
Not something we are used to hearing about. Strange words.
Aren’t Jesus’ sufferings over? How could we share them? It almost sounds like we are suffering for our sins. Strange theology.
Most of us flee from suffering. Why would anyone want to embrace his suffering?
Why would anyone want to “share his sufferings” or “become like him in his death”? Strange desire.
Jason, Lucy and the Dog Walk
Jason was an early Climber in Climb29. Jason’s addiction to Inner Circle went deep and unaddressed for over 20 years. The Climb was long and hard for him. With out a doubt, it was the most humbling time in his life. Because of Jason’s stubbornness it took him longer to finish the Climb - it took him over 3 years.
But in the end, Jason reached the top a changed man. God rebuilt him inside and out. He changed. His marriage changed. God did a mighty work in his life. Their intimacy turned into God Sex, not Cave Sex. There was healing. Oneness. God did a new work in his life and in their marriage.
Years later, he continued to stay the course and was even helping to lead other groups. He was struck by his need to love his wife, Lucy, more and began slowing down even more looking at her and her needs.
One day, he saw her walking the family dog alone. Since they normally do this together he felt something might be off, so he got on his jacket and went out to join her.
He asked how she was doing and she was quiet. He was patient and kept pursing and giving her space to open up.
She did.
She began to cry and open up that yes, their marriage had changed and she was so thankful for the work of God in him during Climb29, but there were still large unaddressed pains in their marriage. Jason had been transformed so much in the last couple of years that it was a total shock to him that Lucy still felt so much unaddressed pain.
Shocked, Jason listened. Knowing that he would only make the pain increase in Lucy’s life if he began to “fix” her issues, he knew that she needed to feel safe and open up with a marriage counselor.
The next day, saddened, Jason began the work of finding a marriage counselor.
Lucy opened up so much about her hurts that for years had gone hidden, that Jason and Lucy were now both hurt.
For Jason, what does it feel like has happened to his marriage now that he took the time to pursue his wife even more and get her to open up?
It’s a mess now. Everything was fine. But now it’s a complicated mess.
Gospel Connection: Entering the Gospel
In fact, Jason marriage has gone to a whole new level. Jason was told by his Sherpa, “Before this happened, you were in a transaction. It was a good transaction. You have helped your marriage change in amazing ways. In return, you were closer to your wife and a new amazing chapter in your marriage started. In return, your intimacy with Lucy has changed and grown. But when you pursued her and dug even deeper she began to open up about MORE hurt and pain. Now you are getting pain back for pursing her. Instead of honor, you are getting dishonor. Instead of intimacy, you are getting separation. Now you are entering the sufferings of Christ; the pattern of his life is now the pattern of your life. Now you Monday are beginning to love in new and deeper ways. This is your glory!”
Jason is now entering the gospel; he is entering the path of Christ. So to go to counseling, joyfully, feels like a death to him. It feels like there is no point to love. He is “becoming like him in his death.”
He is being humbled. He is going lower. He is losing power. The letter “J” forms the shape of Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection. So his life, like Jesus’ life, has a shape to it.
How might “the power of his resurrection, the fellowship of his sufferings” help Jason as he goes to counseling?
It locates him. He knows where she is—he’s in the story of Jesus’ death and resurrection. One of the hardest things about suffering is that you become dislocated.
It offers an explanation for what he is going through. It normalizes his suffering.
He can receive this from his Father.
What does it do to Jason’s ego and will as he goes to counseling week after week?
His ego and will are exposed and stripped. He goes through a kind of death.
Why? What is it like to go to counseling when you are the one with all the issues being raised?
There is no life for him in this serving. It feels pointless. He is shamed.
What dangers does Jason face (in his soul)? If he doesn’t embrace a “fellowship of his sufferings,” what might he be tempted by?
Bitterness, withdrawal, relational revenge by gossip, feeling useless, hopeless.
If Jason embraces this fellowship of his sufferings, what might it do with his relationship with Jesus?
Make him hungry for Jesus. It will join him to Christ in ways that he has never experienced before.
Remember “Can You Drink This Cup?” By Henry Nouwen? Four Steps to Receiving a Fellowship of His Suffering
See the Cup. (You are in a J-Curve)
Take Your Cup (Receive Your Story as Your Own)
Lift Your Cup to God (Present your story to God as an offering)
Drink Your Cup (Accept your story)
It’s hard Enough to make time for ourselves. when we enter other people’s lives with our time, we are pulled into their stories. Their Suffering becomes our suffering. Their Joy becomes our joy.
If Jason doesn’t defend himself, how might he be entering a mini-fellowship of Jesus’ sufferings? What does it cost him?
He looks like a bad husband. He slips down the Self and Others Chart. Jason can receive the shame of looking bad and being forced into the lives of others because he’s in Jesus.
In reality, Jason ended up angry and spent almost 2 weeks in a quiet anger toward Lucy, at times, downright mean. What direction is Jason moving in when he does this? How might the J-Curve give Jason hope?
He was making it worse! Life was pushing him down into the lives of others and the more he fought it, the worse it got for him. His anger was proving Lucy’s pain was real.
It took weeks for Jason to realize he was fighting the work of Jesus in His life. Once Jason saw he was in a J-Curve, received the J-Curve, lifted it to God and finally accepted it, how Did Jason look?
He didn't have to be angry anymore. He was now free to release his frustration and anger and surrender to God’s work in his life and in his marriage.
How do you think Jason changed in his counseling meetings and all the time he spent with Lucy at home?
Jason stopped being defensive. He stopped pouting. He started listening more. When he accepted he was in the dog house, he started to open the door to really hard questions: “Maybe I am hard to live with.”
Philippians 3: 10-11
that I may know him and the power of his resurrection,
and may share his sufferings,
becoming like him in his death,
that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.
What is the relationship of death and resurrection?
Death and resurrection are linked.
Death and resurrection are so intertwined for Paul that he is able to reverse the order, putting resurrection first and last!
What does this mean for Jason as he goes to counseling?
Jason is entering into the sufferings of Christ as he endures in love without reward. He is “becoming like him in his death.”
Jason can expect a resurrection.
“Share his sufferings” is “koinonia his sufferings.” Koinonia is Paul’s favorite word for fellowship. It means an active sharing or participation in Christ’s suffering.
If Jason views this rejection as an active sharing in Christ’s suffering, then how does that transform his view of counseling?
It exalts his suffering. His feelings of being debased become what draw him into Christ. His focus shifts from what others have done to him to how Christ is being revealed through his sufferings. It can even bring a new level of joy.
How does it potentially transform Jason’s relationship with Lucy?
Jason no longer sees Lucy as an enemy but as a door to fellowship with Jesus. That frees him to be kind to her.
How is Jason’s life taking the form or shape of Jesus’ death?
He is being humbled. He is going lower. He is losing power. That is the very shape of Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection. His life, like Jesus’ life, has a shape to it.
How is it helpful for Jason to see that this is continual?
This isn’t a one-time occurrence, but a daily dying and resurrection. God is taking him on a journey. The shape of the Christian life is many small J-Curves.
How does it transform your suffering when you see the shape to it?
It gives suffering meaning and a context. There is a point to it. It is going somewhere. Resurrection is on the way.
“. . . Know him in death and resurrection and may share in his sufferings.” At first glance, Paul seems to list three ways of knowing Jesus: “that I may
1) “know him and
2) the power of his resurrection, and
3) may share his sufferings.”
But these aren’t three different ways of knowing Jesus. We know him in his sufferings. A translation that captures the meaning of verse is:
“that I may know him in the power of his resurrection in sharing his sufferings.”
How does this insight impact Jason?
He gets to know Jesus as she suffers.
What is the relationship between knowing Jesus and sharing in his suffering?
“Sharing in his sufferings” is another way of knowing Jesus.
Paul wants this. It is his passion. He wants to experience Christ’s death and resurrection.
Paul wants this, but we recoil from it. Is something wrong with how we’ve been taught the gospel? What are we missing?
Sometimes we are taught a gospel that is distant and requires no participation.
Sometimes we are taught a gospel that is “for me” (which it is!), but it has been separated from the work of love.
Gospel Connection: In Christ
Jason is now “in Christ” instead of being “in-Intimacy with Lucy.” The gospel moves from being something that merely makes him feel good to the very center of his life. By embracing this fellowship, the worst part of the counseling ahead is completely transformed. Jason’s story is reframed. He goes from victim to victor.
The ESV says “becoming like him in his death.” A more literal translation is, “being continually conformed to his death.”
“continually” means this is an ongoing process.
“conformed” means Paul’s life is taking the shape or form of Jesus’ life.
Richard Gaffin
“Sometimes it is argued that the sufferings mentioned . . . [Phil. 3:10-11, 2 Cor. 1:7] are the sufferings of Paul the apostle, specifically apostolic sufferings which exclude the rest of the church. But a number of considerations tell against this restriction: In 2 Corinthians, Paul says that the whole congregation shares in his (Christ’s) sufferings. In Philippians, the fellowship of Christ’s sufferings and conformity to his death are, along with righteousness by faith, essential aspects of union with Christ . . . Until Christ returns, then, all Christian existence continues to be suffering with Christ.”
Homework:
Think of a time in your life when you felt loving people just made things worse like Jason? What happened? How did you handle it?
What did your heart do?
If you had been thinking about it as a “fellowship of sharing in his sufferings” how might that have reshaped your reaction?
What kind of fellowship or friendship do we like to have? What is our natural response to a “fellowship of his suffering”?
How might this lesson transform your relationships?
4.3
Believe & Become
What Is this man trying to Accomplish? What is the end Goal?
Two Ways of knowing
What Is this man trying to Accomplish? What is the end Goal?
“But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order”
1
“that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith—”
2
“that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.”
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We know Jesus in and through suffering in ways that we wouldn’t have otherwise.
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Gospel Connection: Two Ways Of Knowing
Knowing #1:
He is in Jesus by faith. He rethinks his whole identity around being in Christ. He rejects an independent life of boasting in himself and boasts in Jesus.
Knowing #2:
He is in Jesus by love. He enters into Jesus’ suffering and resurrection. He rejects a pleasure-seeking love and self-proclamation and embraces a life of love and shameless proclamation of Jesus. He boasts in his Jesus-like death and resurrection.3
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Knowing #1: In Jesus by faith.
Knowing #2: In Jesus by suffering.
“For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake . . . . ”
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Paul describes two distinct experiences of relating to Christ: believing and suffering.
Believing is prior to suffering.
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Believing and Becoming. Justification by Faith and Fellowship of Suffering. Faith and Love.
Jason’s Knowing Jesus
Life of Jason => Life of Christ.
If Jason embraces this strange “fellowship of his sufferings,” then Jason moves from “the life of Jason” into “the life of Christ.” He reenacts the gospel.
A New Life => New Way of Living.
If “justification by faith” gave Jason a new life, the “fellowship of his suffering” gives Jason a new way of living. God’s justification of Jason gives him the power to enter Jesus’ life. So when Jason chooses to enter into the “fellowship of his sufferings,” he doesn’t just believe the gospel, he becomes like it!
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Jason has known about Jesus by reading the Bible and listening to sermons. Now he is going to know him in a whole new way, by entering his life.
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Jason is not just getting to know Jesus intellectually; he is getting to know him by entering his life, by joining him in his suffering.
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Unless you actually enter the path of Jesus’ life, your knowledge of him will be incomplete. Only as your life begins to take the shape of his life will you know him more deeply.
Think of some analogies from real life of the difference between knowing Jesus by faith and entering into his life. It is the difference between . . .
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parenting
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combat
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making a sale or running a business
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marriage
Seeing Jesus with two eyes
Before the dog walk, Jason was at the bottom of the triangle chart. That’s good. The end of the week of loving his wife, God had drawn Jason up into the top of the triangle. We need both. Justification by faith gives us the foundation to enter into his sufferings and resurrection. With my conscience cleansed and liberated, I can bear the weight of his life, whatever suffering he gives me. A life of love is always characterized by a “fellowship of his suffering” and “the power of his resurrection.”
Knowing Jesus with Two Eyes
| Justification By Faith | Fellowship of His Suffering & power of His Resurrection |
|---|---|
| Symbol: Cross | Symbol: J-Curve |
| His suffering, not ours. | Our suffering, not his. |
| Believe the Gospel | Become like the Gospel |
| Know him by faith, by resting. | Know him by love, by doing. |
| Saves us from our sins. | Doesn’t save us from our sins. |
| His story transforms my story. | His story becomes my story. |
| Christ died for me. | I die for you. |
| A new life. | A living out of the new life. |
| Deals with pride in principle. | Deals with pride in practice. |
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We can think that we are justified by our suffering.
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We might think we can know Jesus one way without knowing him the other way. Practically, we can end up with two different Christs.
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They are equally important ways of knowing Christ.
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Justification by faith is the foundation for entering a “fellowship of his suffering.”
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If we put #2 first, we might think that we are justified by our sufferings.
Gospel Connection:
Two Ways of Knowing This is an important summary.
Like the two natures of Christ, his divinity and his humanity, these two ways of participating in Christ must:
Never be separated. If you separate them, justification by faith can become an excuse for just feeling good about yourself.
Never be merged. If you merge them, you think that your suffering pays for your sins.
Never be reversed. If you reverse them, you put obedience before faith. Faith comes first.
For Paul, this is a single act of knowing. For Paul, to believe the gospel necessarily led to entering into Jesus’ dying and resurrection life.
The J-Curve is not application, but a participation in the story of Jesus, a different way of knowing Christ. Calling it application marginalizes a “fellowship of his suffering.”
What is the danger of a foundation of justification by faith not joined with a fellowship of suffering?
Jesus is distant. Just need him for salvation.
An intellectual faith.
Not grown up, not mature as a Christian. No hunger to grow.
Apathy for others.
Self-righteous. If you rest in justification and don’t move out in love, then you become self-preoccupied.
Avoids suffering.
Uses justification by faith to feel good about yourself. No ongoing surrender of your life to Jesus and others.
Summary: It’s my life (individualism) and my stuff (materialism), so it’s all about me (narcissism).
What is the danger of a fellowship of suffering without justification by faith?
Without hope.
Never good enough.
Get stuck at the bottom of the J-Curve in suffering.
Weak or no assurance of salvation.
Motivated by guilt.
Big Three: moralism, depression, and legalism.
Embracing suffering for its own sake.
If We Isolate Justification by Faith from a Fellowship of His Suffering
| “JUSTIFICATION BY FAITH” Without a Fellowship of His Suffering | “FELLOWSHIP OF HIS SUFFERING” Without Justification by Faith |
|---|---|
| Jesus is distant. Just need him for salvation. | Jesus is distant. “Dark night of the soul.” |
| Avoids suffering because it has Jesus. | Hunts for suffering to find Jesus. |
| Wants to feel good, to protect the self. | Wants to experience suffering to get rid of self. |
| Avoids the J-Curve. | Stuck at the bottom of the J-Curve. |
| Saves us from our sins. | Doesn’t save us from our sins. |
| Pride cultivated. | Pride in humility. |
Believe and Become Chart
Left side is Jesus’ incarnation. Right side is my incarnation of you.
Left side: Jesus loses his freedom for me. Right side: I lose my freedom for you.
Because faith is the foundation for love, power flows from the left to the right.
Right side of the chart makes the left side come alive.
The work of love (right) draws you more deeply into faith; the right side deepens the left.
4.4
A Jesus Journey
A quick review of the 3 J-Curves
Review The Dog Walk
Review The J-Curves
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A Love J-Curve. Because John raised it up as an option after hearing Pam’s hurt.
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A Suffering J-Curve. Suffering came at John unwanted.
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Jesus’ descent in the incarnation leads to suffering. He bears the cost of love.
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Wanting to be in control. Wanting to be right. Wanting to see himself as a good husband and a great man.
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The Repentance J-Curve.
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ONE: John, pursues Pam, and take a lot of time to listen to her talk about pain he has caused in her life. This is the Love J-Curve.
TWO: As a result, John finds a counselor for a safe place for Pam to talk. The counseling is humbling and lots of John’s issues are laid clear. This is the Suffering J-Curve.
THREE: Finally, as a result of counseling, John sees sin in his life that must be address. He also sees that he has a lot of bad knee jerk reactions that have hurt Pam over the years. John makes prayer cards, reads them daily, starting the slow work of change. This is the Repentance J-Curve.
Re-Thinking Love
When John was sitting in counseling, he said to himself, “This was a mistake. I will never do this again.”
In Philippians 2: 7-8, if you divide Jesus’ descent into two parts, where does the Love J-Curve end and the Suffering J-Curve begin?
The first part (v7–8a) is a Love J-Curve. It is relatively pain free. Jesus descends into evil out of love. The second part (8b) is a Suffering J-Curve where evil comes after Jesus. He bears the consequences of love.
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Initially, a Love J-Curve is easier because you are still in control. You are making the decision to love.
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To rethink our initial commitment to love. We go back up the “descent of love” and re-think our original commitment, “I should never have said yes. Look at this mess.” Of course, at times that is true, but often we are just regretting the cost of love.
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It keeps us from being surprised at the cost of love. It prepares us for “God’s normal.”
Insight:
Every time you love someone, you enter into suffering. The love we choose becomes the suffering we don’t choose.
“There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to be sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable... The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.”
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We turn in on ourselves and die.
The Substitutionary Nature of Love
After several counseling sessions where all of John’s issues were being laid bare, John & Pam got into the car and Pam said, “I really like this counselor, this is so good we are doing this. It’s really helping us.”
I get death and Pam gets resurrection. Substitution is the heart of love.
The Substitutionary Character of Love
This is what this looks like in a J-Curve
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It keeps us from being surprised by the cost of love.
The Cascade of Love
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Repentance -> Suffering -> Love
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Love -> Suffering -> Repentance
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How Is Each Of These Like A Cascade?
The apostle Paul describes a similar cascade in the opening to 2 Corinthians.
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction … (1:3–4)
which then spills over to us a ministry of comfort to others:
…so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. (1:4–5)
Paul sees his suffering as sharing in Christ’s sufferings. Dying is followed by rising; suffering by comfort. The work of love repeats both the dying and the rising of Jesus. Like Jesus, Paul suffers so that others can be comforted. Joni Eareckson Tada’s suffering flows over into comfort for thousands and thousands of people affected by disability.
Paul goes on:
If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort. (2 Corinthians 1:6–7)
In a Love J-Curve, my dying is for your rising. Every act of love potentially reenacts the gospel. I’ve pictured this in the chart below. Christ’s suffering flows into our lives as comfort, so as we are suffering, our suffering flows into other’s lives as comfort.
To give a feel for what the apostle Paul is saying, I’ve rewritten 2 Corinthians with John’s name inserted in bold:
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts John in all his affliction, so that he may be able to comfort his friends who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which he himself is comforted by God. For as John shares abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ, John shares abundantly in comfort too. If John is afflicted, it is for his wife’s comfort and salvation; and if John is comforted, it is for their comfort, which they experience when they patiently endure the same sufferings that John suffers. Our hope for his marriage is unshaken, for we know that as they share in John’s sufferings, they will also share in John’s comfort.
4.5
Facing the Y
One of the things we love to do the most in Climb29 is ask questions: Why did you go Inner Circle? Why are you tempted in Preoccupation? What is Evil offering you? What is Jesus offering you? What choice are you going to make?
Questions and the courage to listen to answers are the start of true transformation as we choose to live in the light.
In this lesson we are going to face a new kind of question: What is going on inside of me when loving someone is really hard?
Let’s Rewind a Review a chart called the “Y” that we looked at over a year ago.
Life is full of “Y” choices, where we have a choice to:
Turn the other cheek or get angry?
Should I have compassion for this person or should I be honest?
Do I tell my wife I’m upset or do I keep it to myself?
Let’s look at this “Y” example below:
There is a waterline in this image. What is above the waterline, people see. What is below the waterline is something that we are feeling, but unaware of, hidden from us and others.
At the bottom of the “Y” is something we love
What Do I love: I love watching a movie on Friday Nights as a way to relax when the kids are in bed.
What loves me: When my wife gives me the space to watch a movie and relax.
My Idol: Movie nights as a way to relax.
When that love is at risk I make demands and I do this to defend my idol.
My demand: Movie night must happen. Everyone needs to understand this.
Then I have a choice to make:
Do everything to save movie night (this is having compassion for myself)
Get Angry that Movie Night was taken from me (this is me in a distorted version of honesty)
“For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision counts for anything, but only faith working through love.”
Now, let’s talk about sex.
4.6
The Final Love J-Curve: Christ is LORD!
“In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
rather, he made himself nothing
by taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
by becoming obedient to death—
even death on a cross!
Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name,
that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.”
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did not count equality...a thing to be grasped
emptied himself
taking the form of slave
being born in the likeness of men
being found in human form
humbled himself
by becoming obedient
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None. There aren’t any.
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The Father
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highly exalted
bestowed on.
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I can die, but I can’t resurrect myself. It frees me to wait for God.
I don’t control my own resurrection. It has to be a work of God.
Just like Jesus was resurrected by the Father, so He will resurrect me."
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We want to make resurrection happen in our own strength and our own timing. We want a quick exit from the bottom, we try to go straight to the resurrection.
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We have to wait for God to work.
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Yes! Jesus is God embodied. God has a body. Jesus’ body is now with him in heaven. Notice that Col. 2:9 below is in the present tense, “dwells.”
“For in him [Jesus] the fullness of deity dwells bodily.”
Gospel Connection: Resurrection Body
When Jesus became a man, he became a man forever. His incarnation never ends. He is permanently embodied. Jesus took his body to heaven. Jesus’ resurrection body is the first piece of the new creation. Deathless body.4
Insight: The Living One.
At the tomb, the angel refers to Jesus with a term never used before in the Bible: the Living One (Luke 24:5, Greek text). Later, toward the end of John’s life, Jesus appears to John and uses the same description: “Do not be afraid…I am the Living One; I was dead, and behold, I am alive for ever and ever, and I have the keys of death and Hades” (Revelation 1:18). The Living One has swallowed up death. The seed that died has now been reborn. In the stillness of the dark tomb that Resurrection morning, 2000 years ago, his Father began a new creation. God created a deathless body that defies the power of death. If Jesus’ old body had been resurrected, we’d still be subject to death. So there are actually two miracles in the resurrection: that Jesus was resurrected and that he was resurrected in a new body.
When we meet Jesus in heaven, how will we recognize him? How will we know it’s him?
Jesus forever bears his marks of the J-Curve, of his death for us. We have a wounded God for eternity. God is love.
The end of Counseling
As a result of the dog walk, I was in counseling for over a year. At first, I was alone. But then out counselor invited Pam into the conversation. Over the years of our marriage there was so much hidden hurt that Pam had stored up that needed a safe place to express itself and allow her to heal from times that I had gotten really angry and shut her down.
Pam was able to heal.
I learned how to love Pam in new ways.
Our counselor told us that we didn’t need to come anymore and Pam was relieved having been validated and helped to find a new voice in our marriage. I told the counselor that I would like to continue to meet 1on1 for a few more times. Then we left.
As we got into the car, Pam asked why I wanted to keep going. My reply was simple, “I know deep down to help me think clearly when I’m upset, I know I still have more work to do.” Here I was now, WANTING to stay in the J-Curve. Pam felt safe and loved.
A Year and a Half After the Dog Walk
Pam and I were really busy: She was out of town for work, then I was out of town and then when I came back I took the kids away to spend some time with them camping. Pam and I were very busy and as a result we hadn’t been intimate for a month. This was a long time for us to be so disconnected and I missed her.
When we were finally back in the same house and life was normal, I was really excited to be intimate with her again. The first night passed and Pam was clear that Pam wasn’t missing intimacy like I was. The second night, still, no interest. When we came to 5 nights and Pam wasn’t remotely interested in being intimate, after she fell asleep I felt hurt.
But instead of my old ways of self pity and anger, I stayed up and spent time praying and choosing intimacy with Jesus instead. It wasn’t what I wanted, but it is what I needed.
The next morning Pam could tell I was more quiet than usual and she asked me what was up. Before counseling, this is when I would really lay it on about how hurt I was. But I used the tools I learned in counseling to slow down, enter her world and with a lot of tenderness slowly open up about what I was feeling.
Pam listened. Pam felt compassion. Pam was apologetic. Pam responded to my dying and rising and entered my world of how I was feeling.
Years ago, I would have been angry, and created more distance between us as a result of my anger. But now, Jesus had transformed me through the love J-Curve and I was able to love her as Jesus asks me to.
That night, instead of distance, Pam and I had beautiful Garden Intimacy together. Simple. Real. Connection, that is only possible on the other side of the dying and rising.
The next morning I woke up and was praying through my prayer cards and ended up up resting and thanking God for using Pam to send me to counseling, to relearn how to love my wife, and allow Jesus to rebuild me through dying and rising.
4.7
Final Conclusion: Preparing Your Garden
During one of my climbs there was an amazing man whose passion for life, his desire to learn and grow felt unmatched. The journey to walk away from Inner Circle and towards Jesus was a hard journey, but a rewarding one. As we came to close the end of the two year journey I started to see some warning signs of other areas in his life that he needed to address. This was hard news for him. He had done so much work, achieved a point where he walked away from Unwanted Sexual Behavior, and when I told him there was another mountain he needed to climb, this news crushed him.
I asked him to walk away from his career that was hurting his family, and love his wife and children by taking a new job. I hated sharing my insights, because I knew it was going to be hard for him. But I shared it anyway after a lot of prayer and discussion from men that love him in the Church.
In the end, he didn’t agree and didn’t want to face what I was trying to address. I prayed my insight was wrong and just trusted that this man was on his own journey.
Years later I ran into him and asked how he was doing. He had gone back to going Inner Circle. It was heart breaking for me to see. He had done so much amazing work. I could feel the tension between the two of us: He remembered my final challenge to him and he still disagreed.
But I believe, not listening, is what lead him to eventually go down a road where he went Inner Circle again.
I asked him to go into a death, a major J-Curve, and let go of something he loved, something that concerned me. I asked him to die to a dream, and let God work in his life to give him a new dream. At the time I didn’t know what it was called, but I know now.
I asked him to enter a Love J-Curve. He would have to walk away from a love: his career that was hurting his family, and move towards his wife and children by taking a new job giving him much needed income, discipline and structure.
I was asking him to love his family, and die to a dream of running his own business. I asked him to do the love J-Curve.
Since then, I have seen the same seeds in my own life, and in the life of so many climbers: we get to the top, but if we are still stubborn and afraid of the great cost of love (death) we will never see the resurrection that God longs for in our lives.
What is the summary of this Unit?
God designed sex, and it’s called Garden Sex. The core tool for caring for a Christ Centered Garden, is the Love J-Curve. Out of this Garden is where Garden Sex is discovered, and a Garden Life is fully lived. At the very center of it, is your death for others, that never stops. And it’s the Father’s job to give you a resurrection.
When are you ready for Garden Intimacy?
When you and your Sherpa agree that you understand the love J-Curve and have started to apply it to your life, even in small ways.
Benediction:
May Jesus Christ, who loved us first by dying and waited for the Father to raise his body from the grave, shows us how to love other by how he first loved us. May we die, as Jesus die, and may we do so willingly trusting that the Father will raise us from the dead. May we understand that the Love J-Curve isn’t lived once, but is a new part of breathing in the Christian Garden Living.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.
Ephesians 5: 25-27
I Want To Know Christ—Yes, To Know The Power Of His Resurrection And Participation In His Sufferings, Becoming Like Him In His Death, And So, Somehow, Attaining To The Resurrection From The Dead.
Philippians 3: 10-11